Brutal

Today was brutal! And it was brutal on various levels. The one pertaining to acting is this: I had a workshop with a major cd (with a huge show), and I sucked. I was not myself. I did a poor job on my scene, and I knew it. And, since he's blunt, he told me so. Or, rather, he told me I seemed like I was doing funny line readings and overrehearsed. And he wasn't wrong. I wasn't...myself. I was down and internal, for sure.

Now, I'm trying to work out why that was, and I think it comes down to two reasons, which are related. First, I had a shitty, long and tiring day prior to the workshop, and I was unable to completely shake my anxiousness from it. Second, he really made me nervous. During our Q&A, he told a girl off for using her blackberry to take notes, and while I understood his reasoning (he thought she was texting and that it looked rude), it was the manner in which he handled it that threw me off. After that, I was very much hiding out. I did not want to open up or play or share with him. I wanted to leave.

One of the things that I have never been great at is remaining separated from the energies of other people, while still being able to be open. If I have a shitty day, I have a hard time pulling myself out of it sometimes, and it impacts my ability to be open. If I am around people whose energy makes me uncomfortable, I tend to shut down a bit, or put up a wall as protection. And both of those things happened tonight.

So, it's something to work on. I am not normally an actor who just gives lines, and I know that my performance was entirely a result of anxiety from the previous mentioned situations. I'm pissed about it, but there's nothing I can do about it--the workshop is over and done with, and I failed to really be myself or do a good job (or as good of a job as I know I can do). All I can do is learn from it.

I really need to find a way to let go of my anxiety on days like this--even doing some meditation and breathing didn't really help--and to find a way to remain unruffled by other people's states of being. I'm particularly susceptible to other people's moods, always have been.

Anyway, so I sucked in that workshop. Learning from it. The one nice thing about it was that the reader came out to give me my score sheet and told me she thought my writing was funny. I think she felt bad for me, but oh well. I'll take the pity compliment. :)

On the total opposite end of the spectrum, I had an amazing class last night. I did a scene from Sunshine Cleaning, and I was nervous about it, but I was able to some solid imagery during our mediation/imagery time before class, and that helped a lot. My partner was also great, but she's always great like that. :) I was able to see where one portion of the scene wasn't working for me, and I made an adjustment without being prompted to do so by my coach, so the scene worked better. Since a lot of people were absent for various reasons (including my other partner), I ended up doing a dramatic improv to close class. Beforehand, I got together with my partner and cocreated some important details about our relationship, etc. And it was a lot of fun. I had a ton of emotion in it, and ended up crying pretty quickly, but it went really well--lots of strong emotion, and I ended up working really well with my partner. My one note that I received was that I could work on being more active, instead of passive. I tend to be a little subdued in my scenes and can sometimes fall into being passive in my improvs--I don't always make giant choices, but I think a lot, and listen to see if I can figure out where my partner is going or how best to respond. But, being passive means that I sometimes take my time before I speak or make a movement to push the story forward. Even though I may have a lot of thoughts going on, the lack of overt, external action might end up being detrimental in the sense that not everyone sees the internal action. So, just learning to be a little more active about pushing the story forward is good, and will serve me well. Doesn't mean I have to push or anything--just something to be aware of, that's all. :)

Anyway, I was so filled with energy and love and promise after last night's class. Just an amazing evening for me, and so happy to have had it. :)

I have an audition on Saturday, but I can't find the sides online, which is...troubling...we'll see what happens. :)